I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Gods work.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions