I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump