Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
You Might Also Like
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
listen closely
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
🙁
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs