My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Can Happiness buy money?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.