I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
the three branches of government
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?