Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
You Might Also Like
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”