I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Festive toon…
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.