Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
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[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!