If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Have a lovely day 😊
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Mhm.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Grandmother clock.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.