“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
that’s really how it is
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”