I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
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Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
three things we don’t talk about
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.