I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
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[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
omg leave her alone
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
my father died in a conga line and so shall i