I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
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You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.