“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”