I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
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Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”