I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
what are they serving at kfc then???