I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
drew a comic about my origin story
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.