I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
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*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Doctors texting each other.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.