@jimmy_sharpe: I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
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@man_spach: My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they're like, sir that's just irritable bowel syndrome.
@jimmy_boston: Wife: Did you get eggs? Me: pew pew Wife: Great lasers, so did you? Me: pew pew pew pew pee Wife: Why me god. Me: *barrel roll* pew pew
@SortaBad: I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
@junejuly12: Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid's school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.