if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
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Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
this is so top tier i cant
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks