@jimmy_sharpe: I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
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@Brentweets: CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it's not missing so now they don't care.
@undeadmolly: A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
@Dustinkcouch: Whenever my girlfriend doesn't eat her dinner, I remind her that there are starving kids in Africa, and that she'll never be that skinny.