Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?