Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
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I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night