I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
You Might Also Like
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
A drum solo but on your face.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.