I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
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When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.