I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg