I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Name another movie that mislead you?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.