I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
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Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Every house has this drawer
SF is the wild wild west man
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.