I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Another interesting #factupdates post!
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes