What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.