“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Introverted vegans go meetless
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious