I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
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Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
The sacred texts.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.