My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
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Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I am, perchance
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?