I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!