I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Cheers Twitter.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Not today.. 😂
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.