On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
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getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-