I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.