I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
happy mother’s day❤️
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
can’t catch a break
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
These 3D printers are insane!
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.