I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.