I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Basketball
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
these two trucks have the same bed length
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.