@ISaidDont: I never know how much to tip a cow.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife: "What are you doing?" "Having an argument on Twitter" "With a man or woman?" "A lamp."
@EricGoldie: I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.
@Bahstonlady: Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
@Rollmaninoz: BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying "present company excluded of course" after highly offensive statement