I never know how much to tip a cow.
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you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.