@ISaidDont: I never know how much to tip a cow.
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@WilliamAder: Me: How do you like being an Uber driver. Driver: I don't work for Uber. Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn't I?
@TheMichaelRock: No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I'd just go to Sears.
@eyeswidebutt: [hanging out w mob] "Tony sleeps with the fishes" *they all laugh* [self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys
@bea_ker: [with father in law] "You know how to pluck a goose, son?" Er yes sir, sure do *stretches goose's neck and plays it like a double bass*