[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
yes… yes…
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus