I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Why font matters.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]