@StellaRtwot: I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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@iwearaonesie: dad: I can't find my glasses, can you read what this says for me? me: "Dad do you want to go to Home Depot" dad: [voice catching] Sure son
@Maxine12333: If you're feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
@dlicj: [at my grandmas house] MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we're at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
@TheAlexNevil: Me (to 7): Son, we... Wife (in earpiece): have to talk M: Have to talk W: about girls M: About grills W: NO M: NO W: IDIOT M: IDIOT