All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
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I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.