I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
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Yes, this is exactly right
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
eggs benadryl
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders