It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
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fly smarter, not harder
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?