I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.