*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
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disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.