@Snarfernini: I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.
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@olerunkbitch: I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
@TheDailySchmuck: Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don't think I'll be able to curse today. Shucks.
@panmidwest: Stranger: so what do you do? Me: I'm in seminary S: seminary huh? so you can't get married? M: nah, I can't get married bc of my personality
@mrtruthandsoul: My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.