A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
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Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Breaking news:
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger