I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.