I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
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there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in