I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably